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Dr. Angela Schaffner

Psychologist. Author. Black Belt.

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Grief and Running the Course

grief · May 15, 2019

Grief and Running the Course

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Today I celebrate my oldest son Carlson turning 13

Groups make a difference. Lead one well. We still

Groups make a difference. Lead one well. We still need leaders and we still need groups, even during this time of physical isolation. You gather online or on a call. You'll gradually come back together in person when it's safe to do so. When you do, be ready to lead well. This book will equip you with all you need to know: the psychology of small group dynamics and the conditions that facilitate change, and eight strategies for leading well. You'll feel equipped and confident to step into your next leadership role. #GatherUsIn

Here I am in my new “office” at home. I’ve s

Here I am in my new “office” at home. I’ve set up a space where I can close the door and write, do my therapy sessions, and be somewhat separate from the rest of my family and preserve my sanity as an introvert. I was previously using a chair in the corner of my locked bedroom which only barely worked in terms of a workspace.
After a dry and discouraging spell, I’m feeling creative again and ideas are beginning to flow. I credit Kristen Olson Vincent for the Artist’s Way group she’s leading where we are all learning how to better make space for our inner artists and treat them well. I’d encourage you to do something creative today, just focusing on the process rather than the outcome. Creating something is a great way to process emotion, feel tangibly productive, and nurture your sense of individuality. It may mean cooking, baking, painting, drawing, writing, gardening or building. Just do one small creative thing.

Take another close look at the cover of my new boo

Take another close look at the cover of my new book, Gather Us In. The brilliant cover designers who created this cover months ago decided to put empty chairs on it.
It's as if they knew.

Amid the challenges we are all facing right now, I want to offer you an opportunity to think about the groups you take part in. Those groups most likely look a lot differently right now, but they still exist. They're on zoom, they're in in your neighborhood, and they're in your memories of your church, your classroom, your workout facility or favorite community gathering place. We need someone to schedule and facilitate the zoom meetings, to guide groups, and to provide compassionate leadership during this time and as we eventually move toward gathering back together in new ways.
My new book offers a doable guide for leading groups well, equipped with wisdom from my twenty years of experience as a small group facilitator, from the perspective of a licensed psychologist. Spiritual wisdom meets psychological wisdom as this book weaves together the way of compassionate leadership by equipping you with some basic knowledge of how groups work psychologically, and eight strategies for leading well. No matter what kind of groups you find yourself in or contemplating returning to at some point, now is the time to consider the role you play and how you can be in that role more effectively. Embrace this opportunity to learn and pre-order Gather Us In today!

As promised, I’ve reflected on my modern creed t

As promised, I’ve reflected on my modern creed this past week, and I came up with a shorter, simpler statement that I can fully embrace. I struggled this week as I sought to simplify it. I re-read the modern creed that I wrote in my book Revealed. My original spoke to a pretty comprehensive set of beliefs about the Trinity, my faith, and life in general. I quickly put it together during the editing process, but as I re-read it this week, I didn’t feel strongly enough about any one sentence in it to make it my entire current, simplified creed. When Ecclesiastes 3 came to mind today, I knew I had my revised creed, and I can fully embrace it. I’m in a season of observing silence when I can find it. I’m tearing down, and I’m scattering stones. Some scholars believe that “scattering stones” refers to the practice of clearing stones from a vineyard where they impede growth and do damage. For the greatest truths and life to emerge in us, we need to scatter stones, too. The current state of the world calls us to refrain from embracing, offering us an opportunity to dive deep into ourselves and scatter some stones. What are your beliefs that represent stones you can and should scatter? Is it the belief that you, your creativity, your identity, or your relationships are somehow not good enough? Is it the belief that the range of emotions you’re allowed to have during a pandemic is limited because there are people worse off than you? Is it the belief that your life needs to look like someone else thinks it should look, rather than how you want to live it? Is it the belief that your grief needs to appear in a certain way, on a particular timeline? Is it the belief that something is so wrong with you that it interferes with your capacity for love? Scatter the unhelpful stones. Make space for the vineyard to yield some really good wine. Soon you’ll be drinking in the results of your scattering and living into a truer faith. #RevealedBook

Introducing Albus, the friendly dog we are hoping

Introducing Albus, the friendly dog we are hoping to foster!

My creative and incredible neighbor Martha put thi

My creative and incredible neighbor Martha put this cross out in her yard on Easter and invited anyone who wanted to to come by and add flowers to it. I took a walk and added some flowers and it gave me a chance to enjoy some silence. I read an article about what we can tell kids during this time, and it’s the same things we need to say to ourselves: that there are experts working hard to resolve this, that the crisis is temporary, and that there is something we can do to help. Wear masks, stay inside, wash your hands, practice social distancing. When (if) you find yourself with silent moments alone during this time, reflect on what is in versus out of your control. Support a friend. Inform yourself, but don’t overwhelm yourself. Eat, sleep, work, play, and keep realistic expectations. There’s no recent precedent for this time, so I’m just going to go ahead and assume I can’t mess it up. We are all doing the best we can and we will get through it.

N.T. Wright is quoted in the New York Times today,

N.T. Wright is quoted in the New York Times today, calling us to lament and weep as Jesus did in the face of grief. Coronavirus is extending its tragic effects further and further into our lives as courageous medical workers serve on the front lines with insufficient supplies.
And it’s Easter. Those who worry about where they are worshipping are missing the point. My own Easter worship involved a solo service outside this morning in a chair with my blanket and coffee. I played a couple of hymns on my ukulele. My quality was mediocre but my spirit was heartfelt. I read all four accounts of the resurrection, noting both the inconsistencies and the central truths underlying all of them. I thought about the three questions I asked myself repeatedly while writing Revealed: How do I see myself in this story? What is this story teaching me about myself? So what?
Here’s what I’m taking from all of it today: I’ll visit places of grief and grieve with others. Amid grief, I’ll revive and embrace what I can celebrate. When I’m surprised by something I don’t expect, I’ll talk about it even though I may feel afraid. When truth speaks my name, I’ll recognize it and respond. Sometimes we all need to bury and let go of what we love and have grown accustomed to in order to experience new life. Let’s move forward together today embracing our cyclical processes of grief, death, and life. Wherever you find yourself in that process today, know that others are in it with you even though we may not be able to be in close proximity. And wherever you are today, it can still be Easter and you can still be connected to God.
#RevealedBook

I spent two weeks in an eating disorder recovery p

I spent two weeks in an eating disorder recovery program when I was nineteen years old, followed by years of follow-up therapy and slow steps toward a healthier and more self-nurturing existence. As I reflect on the two weeks of my most intensive level of treatment during the summer of 1996, I think about the abrupt pause button that that was placed upon my familiar daily existence, replaced by a lot of journaling, much more eating than I was comfortable with at the time, and a lot of time with the same people. Some of those people offered words and kindness that eased my suffering. For those two weeks, I lived in a small room in the home of a family in Chicago who I didn't know at all, but who took me in and welcomed me as one of their own. Each evening, we'd watch the Olympics and eat dinner together. They were non-intrusive and supportive, and above all, I remember their loving presence during a time of facing some difficult truths. I spent a lot of time with them and with myself. Each day someone dropped me off for my day-long treatment program and I began my new daily routine of sitting with rather than running from my feelings with a therapist or a group of fellow patients, each with our own dilemmas. In general, I don't spend a lot of time thinking about those two weeks anymore, but over the past month I find myself feelings a familiar sense of a surreal pause button being pressed. The relative normalcy of my day-to-day life is replaced by a return to journaling, more attentive self-care, and a lot more time with the same people. I am revisiting what I need to slow down to address at this time in my life. I'm equipped with all I've learned between pause buttons- about myself, about faith, and about what it takes to thrive emotionally. In my book Revealed, I wrote about returning to a healthy emotional baseline, something I learned about in my therapy journey: "A healthy emotional baseline includes a full range of human emotion accompanied by permission to feel it and positive strategies for coping with it (p.109)." Now is the time to recover ourselves and our best coping efforts. Extend your love and support in the ways you can.

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